Diaper Diddler

So, this little peanut is keeping fresh with cloth diapers.

Cloth diapers have come a long way since my generation was clothed in rectangle rags and shower caps with leg holes. Benji has a much more stylish bum with his “FuzziBunz” brand pocket-style diaper. It diapers like a normal disposable diaper and has an ‘insert’ that gets tucked into a pocket to absorb crap. Literally.

The ‘inserts’ look like this.

I’m Facebook friends with FuzziBunz and the company recently posted a link to a list of the ‘Best Alternative Uses for Inserts.’ Although I plan on these diapers being in service the next few years between Benji and his future sidekicks, I was curious what FuzziBunz suggested. The list started with some pretty standard cleaning suggestions. The inserts are basically a shammy/dust rag anyway, so that I could understand. But the more I read, the more blown away I was. People who sent in suggestions were absolutely ridiculous. So ridiculous, that I am partly ashamed to share brand loyalty to FuzziBunz with them because I’d like to think I have nothing in common with people this ridiculous. Here are some suggestions for things to do with old diaper inserts (I will have about 76 available in a few years – taking reservations now for anyone inspired).

When breastfeeding, fold an insert in half and stuff them in your bra to absorb leaky milk.

These pads are about 5 in wide and 8-12 inchs long. That is a GIANT bra stuffer, not to mention the weird shape/texture it’d make. Horrible suggestion. (maybe CD’s would need this, Court :))

Stash a few inserts in your home first aid kit to attend to wounds.

I am not the kind of mom who has a ‘home first aid kit.’ If I have a wound to attend to that is large enough to require 60 square inchs of absorbtion, I will either pass out or leave the mending to a medical professional.

Fold them in half, sew them closed but leave an opening for your hands and use old inserts as pot holders.

“There’s some casserole on your potholder.” “Oh that’s not casserole, that’s an old shit stain. Bon appétit!”

Give extra inserts to your kids and let their imaginations run wild.

Throw in some sanitary napkins for some fun with adhesive. A kid old enough to be amused is a kid smart enough to know that the only fun thing about diapers is poop and pee jokes.

what can i do with my diaper?

Put a spare insert on the changing table in case of mid-changing accidents.

Put the diaper on the changing table (aka place where you change diapers complete with shelves for storing diapering supplies). Rocket Science!

Soak an old insert in clean, cold water and use as a teething rag.

Are you serious? Did you forget that these are saturated in urine and poopy juice 4,962 times first? Mom, if you shoved diapers in my mouth to soothe me as a baby, I’m mad at you. The cost of 1 cloth diaper could provide 20 legitimate teething rings. Splurge on the $0.99. Your baby is worth it.

Diapers in my mouth?!? What?!!

Stuff inserts in your pants during labor after your water breaks.

This sounds like you are hoarding or something. The spare inserts are not the last absorbent material left on the planet. There are so many reasons that this is not a good idea (one of them being my vision in my head of spandex leggings stuffed with a bunch of inserts). Do not stuff your pants. If your baby isn’t even here yet, don’t taint his/her stuff with your own bodily fluids. That’s just gross.

Use old inserts to wipe down wet carts at the store.

A) That would require carrying an insert with you. Am I supposed to keep one in my purse?  B) Where do you shop where the carts are wet? C) There are 60 dry carts waiting just inside the door to choose from.

Keep spare inserts in your car to use to dry your windows after a car wash.

Who goes through a car wash enough to make storing poopy pads worth it? So dumb. Also, who gets out to dry off the window? I’d wiper that business and get back to my own.

Keep an extra insert near your car potty so you don’t have to worry about “spilling.”

Wtf?!? What in the world is a car potty? If this is some contraption to keep a toddler from having an accident, count me out. If potty happens in my vehicle, it will be a rare occasion that we will deal with as it comes (ask Patrick about Walnut). If my kid doesn’t have the self-control to not pee in a car, he’s going to be wearing the diaper, not sitting next to it to wipe up any spillage. I don’t condone bedpans in moving vehicles. Just think of the splashing.

These are just some of the suggestions brought to you by FuzziBunz users. Seriously, don’t let them skew your perception of the diapers (although, the fact that the company published this ridiculousness may take away a few gold stars in my book - shout out whitewater lane). These people are the same people who post ridiculous crap on baby information websites and have more virtual friends than real ones. Who’s going to be friends with the lady with bulging inserts stuffed in her pants and bra, with car potty splatter all over, drying of shopping carts with a baby on her hip sucking on a stained diaper? Not me. I’ll keep the inserts inserted… in their diaper shells.

**Sidenote/Random Thought: Matt and I used to wonder if people with ugly less cute babies knew their babies were less cute. The answer is no. I honestly think my baby is the #1 cutest baby in the world. I agree that there are times he looks scary or gets a weird eye or has a fat face or massive double chin, or looks pimple-y and red, but overall, I see nothing cuter. If anyone thinks my baby is not cute, or just so-so, or alright, they don’t have eyeballs in my opinion. Thank god for the blinders, every baby needs a #1 fan!

You could call me conceited if Benji looked like me but he is a mini-Matt so I’m allowed to brag.