Going for the Gold

And the gold medal for mommy of the year award goes to.... ME!

Benji ate a milk bone.

After all the effort I have gone through, exclusively breast-feeding for almost 8 months (still nursing – just not exclusively), buying organic and making my own baby food, Benji ate a milk bone (dog treat for those of you without a Gus). My little nugget was happily splashing around in the dogs’ water bowl (again, parenting gold medal material) and I turned away for just a second. The next thing I knew, he was chewing on something… you don’t chew water, hmmm?? I ran over and started fishing and out came some soggy, water-saturated chunk of what I thought was a dog kibble. Awesome. It was so soggy that I couldn’t get it all and Benji started making a confused ‘what the hell was that’ kind of face, while letting drool collect with the remnants and overflow from his mouth. Delish. That’s when I stepped on something, another chunk of the milk bone. Stupid Walter. Gus would have never left something edible on the floor. They say a dog’s mouth is cleaner than a human’s so let’s hope the dog treat boosted his immune system and advanced his palette. At least the milk bone is the equivalent to a dog cookie right? Nom. Nom. Nom.

Since I’ve already been awarded the gold medal in parenting, now would be a good time to post this. Not much explanation needed.

 This mom is awesome.

I know you have heard about my spider and critter issues on more than one occasion but this past month has been awful. When it rains it pours.

*Giant spider (you know those kind who nest on summer nights right on the light, or doorway, or wherever you need to walk?? The fat black ones??) between the trash can (which I was attempting to put on the curb) and the garage door. BLEACH! Oh wait, that didn’t kill it, it only made it scurry through the tiny crack into the garage. Matt, go get Benji’s whip before the spider builds his home in the bob. The next day there were like 9 dead rollie-pollies in the bleach zone.

*4^th of July weekend, I was a few adult beverages deep (so was Matt which explains why he was M.I.A. aka ‘in bed’) and I flicked on the closet light to change into my PJ’s. Spider! The pointy brown kind, in the middle of the floor, surrounded in my laundry! FML. Matt’s reaction time was below sub-par and I was forced to squish (we wouldn’t want poison getting on my clothes). Crisis averted. I got my PJ’s on and moved into the bathroom and BAM! I am not even joking! Another spider in the middle of the floor! This SOB was black and mean. Poison. Spray. Toast. There are a few issues here. Again, why is it always ME that finds these? Why was Matt 4 feet away snoring? How many more of these monsters cruise around my room without me ever finding out? This is the stuff nightmares are made of.

*Dream Nightmare. I dreamed that I was holding Benji (so vivid, he was wearing the outfit he had worn the day that I had the dream) and spiders started scurrying up his back and onto my arms. I woke up itching.

*My office. I opened a cupboard and noticed some cobwebs at the bottom. Cobwebs with spider carcasses mixed in. Oh, and a live one with a sack of eggs. Um… getting the sack could disturb the shell and cause babies to pop out. Removal was a big debacle and I almost puked. Can we get some cleaning people up in here?

*Another dream nightmare. I dreamed that a giant spider was suspended above my bed and I attempted to capture it. It fell and scurried onto the bed, onto Matt’s toes sticking out and under the covers. Again, I woke up itching. First they got Benji, now Matt!

*La Dee Dah. Look at us playing, in the middle of the floor where we always play, with toys all around us. Out of the corner of my eye I saw something… moving. SPIDER. Are you serious right now? Where does that even come from?? It was seriously surrounded. AND 2 dogs were patrolling the grounds. Only me.

I threw a stacking cup over the devil and got TP. Again, my preferred poison method wouldn’t work. a)carpet b)toys c)baby. Squish. How the heck I even spotted the thing still baffles me. It was big and camo-coated and seriously blended into the carpet. He was on his way to bite Benji and lay eggs on him, I just know it.

*Oh look at me opening my car door. SPIDER. A little jumpy thing on the handle. Of course I saw it after I used the handle to open the door. It was jumping all over, and jumping fast. In a public parking lot, I was forced to use my hand and brush it off the car. Leave that garbage at Wal-Mart. This would have never happened at Target.

*Finally, spider on the kitchen rug. I have earned my gold medal in pest control so I killed that guy with little incident.

As if ALL of those spiders in one month weren’t enough, I also found another dead animal. This time, it was a bird on the patio. We were dog-sitting Gus’ sister (for real, they have the same daddy) and all 3 dogs were outside. I was out scorching and filling up Banjo’s pool and I spotted it. Luckily none of the dogs had tried to eat it (I don’t think it was very fresh in the 500 degree heat). Of course, it was a drill weekend and Matt was gone (when else do I find dead animals?) so I put the cover to our fire pit over it and that’s where it remains (we’re going on 3 days now).

I get a gold medal in home/lawn maintenance too, obviously.