Going for the Gold

And the gold medal for mommy of the year award goes to.... ME!

Benji ate a milk bone.

After all the effort I have gone through, exclusively breast-feeding for almost 8 months (still nursing – just not exclusively), buying organic and making my own baby food, Benji ate a milk bone (dog treat for those of you without a Gus). My little nugget was happily splashing around in the dogs’ water bowl (again, parenting gold medal material) and I turned away for just a second. The next thing I knew, he was chewing on something… you don’t chew water, hmmm?? I ran over and started fishing and out came some soggy, water-saturated chunk of what I thought was a dog kibble. Awesome. It was so soggy that I couldn’t get it all and Benji started making a confused ‘what the hell was that’ kind of face, while letting drool collect with the remnants and overflow from his mouth. Delish. That’s when I stepped on something, another chunk of the milk bone. Stupid Walter. Gus would have never left something edible on the floor. They say a dog’s mouth is cleaner than a human’s so let’s hope the dog treat boosted his immune system and advanced his palette. At least the milk bone is the equivalent to a dog cookie right? Nom. Nom. Nom.

Since I’ve already been awarded the gold medal in parenting, now would be a good time to post this. Not much explanation needed.

 This mom is awesome.

I know you have heard about my spider and critter issues on more than one occasion but this past month has been awful. When it rains it pours.

*Giant spider (you know those kind who nest on summer nights right on the light, or doorway, or wherever you need to walk?? The fat black ones??) between the trash can (which I was attempting to put on the curb) and the garage door. BLEACH! Oh wait, that didn’t kill it, it only made it scurry through the tiny crack into the garage. Matt, go get Benji’s whip before the spider builds his home in the bob. The next day there were like 9 dead rollie-pollies in the bleach zone.

*4^th of July weekend, I was a few adult beverages deep (so was Matt which explains why he was M.I.A. aka ‘in bed’) and I flicked on the closet light to change into my PJ’s. Spider! The pointy brown kind, in the middle of the floor, surrounded in my laundry! FML. Matt’s reaction time was below sub-par and I was forced to squish (we wouldn’t want poison getting on my clothes). Crisis averted. I got my PJ’s on and moved into the bathroom and BAM! I am not even joking! Another spider in the middle of the floor! This SOB was black and mean. Poison. Spray. Toast. There are a few issues here. Again, why is it always ME that finds these? Why was Matt 4 feet away snoring? How many more of these monsters cruise around my room without me ever finding out? This is the stuff nightmares are made of.

*Dream Nightmare. I dreamed that I was holding Benji (so vivid, he was wearing the outfit he had worn the day that I had the dream) and spiders started scurrying up his back and onto my arms. I woke up itching.

*My office. I opened a cupboard and noticed some cobwebs at the bottom. Cobwebs with spider carcasses mixed in. Oh, and a live one with a sack of eggs. Um… getting the sack could disturb the shell and cause babies to pop out. Removal was a big debacle and I almost puked. Can we get some cleaning people up in here?

*Another dream nightmare. I dreamed that a giant spider was suspended above my bed and I attempted to capture it. It fell and scurried onto the bed, onto Matt’s toes sticking out and under the covers. Again, I woke up itching. First they got Benji, now Matt!

*La Dee Dah. Look at us playing, in the middle of the floor where we always play, with toys all around us. Out of the corner of my eye I saw something… moving. SPIDER. Are you serious right now? Where does that even come from?? It was seriously surrounded. AND 2 dogs were patrolling the grounds. Only me.

I threw a stacking cup over the devil and got TP. Again, my preferred poison method wouldn’t work. a)carpet b)toys c)baby. Squish. How the heck I even spotted the thing still baffles me. It was big and camo-coated and seriously blended into the carpet. He was on his way to bite Benji and lay eggs on him, I just know it.

*Oh look at me opening my car door. SPIDER. A little jumpy thing on the handle. Of course I saw it after I used the handle to open the door. It was jumping all over, and jumping fast. In a public parking lot, I was forced to use my hand and brush it off the car. Leave that garbage at Wal-Mart. This would have never happened at Target.

*Finally, spider on the kitchen rug. I have earned my gold medal in pest control so I killed that guy with little incident.

As if ALL of those spiders in one month weren’t enough, I also found another dead animal. This time, it was a bird on the patio. We were dog-sitting Gus’ sister (for real, they have the same daddy) and all 3 dogs were outside. I was out scorching and filling up Banjo’s pool and I spotted it. Luckily none of the dogs had tried to eat it (I don’t think it was very fresh in the 500 degree heat). Of course, it was a drill weekend and Matt was gone (when else do I find dead animals?) so I put the cover to our fire pit over it and that’s where it remains (we’re going on 3 days now).

I get a gold medal in home/lawn maintenance too, obviously.

Living on the Edge

Benji is 9 months old and 1 day and I have already resorted to bribery, TV, and turning a blind eye to safety/hygiene issues Benji encounters. We had a real whopper of a day last weekend when I used all 3, within a few hours in an attempt to get my house clean.

First, bribery. Benji has discovered baby crack. Puffs. The little rice-puffed cereal star-nuggets can clench his attention and shut him up until the puffs run out. He even recognizes the container and does his happy hump gyration to celebrate. Puffs come in lots of flavors and he has been fond of all the ones he's tried. I feel a little guilty because I've tried to keep him eating clean~ all homemade fruits and veggies~ but I wanted to spice up the texture he was consuming and let him test out his 2 chompers so I bought plain old gerber puffs (I have since discovered organic ones that claim half the sugar of the regular ones.... i may be a sucker for marketing but based on Benji's taste for the things, we will go with 1/2 the sugar). I can't blame Benji for being addicted to them. They aren't half bad and considering they dissolve into nothing on your tongue, you could pop them all day and feel like you weren't even snacking (not that I am speaking from experience)!

Benji has really mastered the motor skills it takes to get food to his mouth and his 1-at-a-time process has morphed into shovels of handfuls. He prefers to shovel himself which has become a bit of an issue with his healthier veggie purees I try to spoon feed him. I have had to resort to holding up a chunk of something to his mouth and when he opens up, I sneak in the spoon of puree. Hopefully he doesn't catch on too soon!

Here is Benji fist feeding himself watermelon.

It's no wonder the kid likes watermelon, I think I ate 39 last summer when I was preggo. I craved it all the time!

My second parenting fail is TV. Benji mostly watches Bravo, Food Network and Matt's latest Netflix addiction (currently Trailer Park Boys) so you can guess by the sounds of it, he's really being exposed to some culture. He normally tunes it out and plays productively but recently he was being a pill and I needed to get our house in shape for company so I popped him in his highchair, propped up the ipad right in front of his face and turned on Yo Gabba Gabba. He. Was. Mesmorized.

How could you not be with content like this...

The one Benji watched had eggs crying to go to the party in the tummy. The cartoon eggs crying on the plate were pathetic and hilarious and the song was very catchy. These characters are just whacky (I was pleased to learn the pink blob I thought was called "foopa" is actually "foofa"). You feel like you are on a trip watching this, or as wikipedia puts it, 'someone has slipped something into your fruity pebbles.' Whatever it is, I can't complain because a)its funny and Benji loves it b)they teach sweet dance moves (also seen on The Soup) and c)Leslie Hall is a guest star.

Thank god for Netflix.

Benji's #2 favorite thing to watch on the ipad is himself

He has mastered the art of clapping and likes to stop and clap for himself whenever possible (after crawling 12 inches (go, me!), while his diaper is being changed (i did a dookie!), first thing in the morning (i just woke up and its 5:30am!), when I pick him up (i win again, mommy is a sucker!) and 50 bazillion other times over the course of a day.

He's also pretty proud of his success in finding no-no's and I have had to turn a blind eye to safety hazards and gross things in my house in order to increase my productivity. As I've mentioned before, Benji has a knack for finding gross things and inappropriate baby things and I have had to relax my germ standards to keep my sanity. Since Walter the Terrible has decided he should shed his entire coat, I have been forced to vacuum close to every other day (which is way too much in my world). The alternative to vacuuming is letting Benji crawl and then lint rolling his entire body and plucking Wally hairs out of his mouth, nose, eyelashes, etc. Fine, I'll vacuum. Did I mention Gus HATES the vacuum? That's pleasant to listen too.

Anyway, vacuuming has become a game for Benji. I vacuum and he chases the vacuum. The problem is that he catches the vacuum and likes to finger the brush extension (nasty), climb up the thing (have you ever looked at the dirt on the vacuum?) and chew on the cord (multiple issues there). Also, vacuuming the house lets Benji explore additional hazardous areas that he was previously unaware existed. Needless to say, Benji now enjoys rounding the corner and zipping down the hallway to the preferred vacuum outlet and an A/C register that is bent (making it sharper) and full of dust, lint, dead flies and grime. He also knows where the stairs are (an issue in itself) where the carpet is loose (carpet staples exposed), and where the dog kennels are (kibbles everywhere). I need a cleaning lady and a handy man. Anyway, I think I have pushed the boundaries of acceptable 'toys' or distractions that I allow Benji.

Here is another amusing yet unacceptable game...

Gus may seem vicious but he likes the baby... enough. Also note the register that Benji loves to open and close then stand on, and the window trim that I have seen little bugs on that Matt ignores and I douse with cleaner. There are also outlets within 2 feet to the right and left which Benji is on his way to, as soon as he screws with Gus for a second. Gus is not his only victim. He likes to make a beeline for Walter and when he gets to him, he'll get up on his knees and do a victory happy hump, grab a few handfuls of fur, then put Walter in his mouth. Yes, you heard me. He tries to eat Walter. Get out the lint roller.

Who wants to leave their kid for a play date at our house?? Food bribes, TV, dirt and dog hair! We're the FUN parents!

Well Wouldja Look at That

So we've moved onto 'Plan B' of sleep training which turns out, is the same thing we were doing. Benji's cry-it-out has been cut back to about 20 minutes with 2 or 3 incidents in the middle of the night. He is still protesting by collapsing face down into his mattress which I am 100% sure is a 9 month old's "F you, mom." The SIDS thing has been terrorizing me since the day he was born and he can smell the fear like a bee (or probably something stronger like a tiger~ do they smell fear?).

1. Face down in the plush thing in his crib. He really doesn't like plush toys that much (probably because I don't give him many since Gus also enjoys plush things) and he NEVER has shown interest until this cry thing. He pets the white fuzzy thing (its a sheep) while in hysterics so against my better judgement and the current safety stance on items in a crib, I left it in to soothe him...then he put his face in it.

2. Collapsing in exhaustion (sideways) with the little arm dangling through the cage (to show me he was reaching out for me) face down and drenched in sweat (I'm going to go ahead and make the educated assumption that he inherited hyper-hydrosis from Funcle Patrick).

3. Face down in the fuzz mid-stroke. At least he was self-soothing~ I told you he likes to pet this guy. Also, the quilt is strategically in the crib because he also likes to grab onto the fringe. Grancy (Grandma Nancy) made a multi-purpose quilt!

4. Once again soaked in sweat. After 2 weeks of crying, he and the sheep have obviously become very close. That orange guy is called Eebee (google it) and is in the crib to escape the pup (his purple hair is irresistible for Gus).

Day 14 (last night) the tiny glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel grew a little bit bigger. At about 8:00, Benji took his bottle and fell asleep on the last few drops. I moved him to his crib and he stayed asleep.... until 3 am!!! He has not slept that many hours since he was like 2 months old! Then he cried for about 15 minutes and was back out until 6:45. He nursed a little bit and fell back asleep! THANK YOU BANJO! THIS is something we can work with. I'm curious to see how tonight goes. I'm praying it's not a fluke but I have a strong feeling the crash had to do with late dinner, heat, swimming, sweat, fireworks, heat, staying up until 10:30, sweat, no nap, heat, barbeque, sweat, baby pool, heat fireworks.... what a weekend. Maybe 'Plan C' should be to beef up our social calendar. Apparently we aren't busy enough on an everyday basis to wear him out!

He's probably also worn out from the excessive amount of "Bu-bye's" that he has had me spitting at him lately. It's pretty amusing to see a mini-person respond appropriately to a command so I obviously have to try to get him to do tricks 5,000 times a day. Our first basic trick is the no-no. He has been shaking his head for a few months now but he recently started associating it with the word 'no' (he doesn't grasp the 'no' concept, he just knows that sound goes with the action). He hears a 'no' in casual conversation and he shakes away.

*disclaimer: I sound so annoying in these videos but I'm taking one for the team here and throwing myself under the bus for Benji

The more advanced action is the bu-bye. It started in the mirror, only waving to himself and morphed into a backwards open and close (more of a 'come here') action but its still cute. I think he's a little jacked up with whether this goes with "bu-bye" or "hi." He's also missed the boat on people coming and going because he likes to stare at the person trying to get him to perform, then wait for them to give up and turn around to do it over and over and over.

He also is distinguishing a particular 'duh' for 'Gus' which he did not comply with on camera. It's a raspier, deeper sounding 'duh' than the other 'da da da's.'

And here is a combo video of tricks. Apparently Matt will be teaching sit and roll over soon.

Obviously "yay!" with clapping is my next trick to teach. Those are going to be some SUPER annoying videos of my voice. And while we're on visuals, here are Benji's teeth. I needed to capture them before he gets too many more. 1 tooth on a baby is funny and cute.

In case you were wondering, Benji has more than 1 shirt. I need a smart phone so I can make videos more sporadically instead of trying to get my show pony to do all his tricks in one day for the camera.

To relax from all of the exhausting waving Benji has been doing, he got to go swimming for the first time! We have a little baby pool and he has been really digging the bath lately so I had a feeling he would love being in a real pool. I am so smart.

He LOVED swimming (notice all of the 'bu-byes' coming from the floatie). The kid has not learned fear (not good for mamma) and he thinks he is a dolphin. He tried to climb out of his life raft a few times so I held him and then he tried to climb out of my arms. He also had no problem getting dunked (hold the CPS phone, I didn't dunk him, but he did go all the way under). Whoever wants to invite us to the pool, we are accepting offers. Matt seems to think installing our own isn't in the budget for a sheriff's deputy so we would also gladly accept monetary donations for the "make benji's life better and feel good about yourself for bringing out the smiles pictured above by contributing to our pool" fund.

Thanks in advance for your support, he's working on the "yay's!" to thank you.